Pain is 2019, Hindsight is 2020

Life changes fast but feels like it moves at a glacier pace. This year has brought with it a lot of debt, change of careers, uncertainty, insecurity and fear. I have felt displaced before and confused as to which road to take moving forward. I have also felt deep depression where I didn’t think I’d make it through the day. Of course, looking back on those times now, they seem insignificant. Now, I mean, I would run back to those times with a smile on my face and be immersed in gratitude to be back. Those times weren’t as difficult as the situation I currently find myself in.

What does it all mean?

I suppose what I was missing before was gratitude and being present. I felt like I was losing myself at home raising my beautiful babies. It was extremely isolating and I felt like I wasn’t contributing financially or taking steps to ensure a feasible retirement. Of course, the other shoe drops, as it always does. Now, I’m in the process of working 3 jobs, not to go towards a retirement but to pay off debts. The kicker is, I just want to be at home with my babies before they both start school within the next two years. I want to hide under the covers, sob a sad sob and think why me? I know from experience that won’t help me or my family but the urge is there.

How did I get here?

– a bit of bad luck
– a lot of bad planning
– some incredibly bad habits
– lack of clear goals
– impulsivity
– a lack of gratitude
– an inability to be present
– lack of self-discipline
– horrible time management
– procrastination / perfectionism

What do I need to do to get out?

I need to accept that I can’t go back in time to change things. I also have to understand my concerns for the future are fictitious as I’m a mere human being. I’m not a time traveller, I am not God, I am not able to predict the future. On that note, I must give up my title as The Gatekeeper of Time. My preoccupation with it is so unhealthy. It provides me with little comfort nor motivation only increases my anxiety and expands my depression. These next few months will be difficult but I’m hopeful they may be the catalyst to help me transform into a stronger, healthier, more authentic, grateful and present person.

What do I need to remind myself of if I start repeating the same mistakes?

  • Groundhog Day. The Universe will continue to put you through similar events until you learn your lesson. Doing the same things lead to the same results.
  • Take more walks.
  • Though it may feel like you are moving at a glacier place, you are on Earth which rotates once in about 24 hours with respect to the Sun. You don’t feel that, much like your progress, but it’s still happening.
  • It takes 21 days to form a new habit. 21 days. That’s it. Stick with it!
  • Quality over Quantity. You will still have incredible moments with your children. The hard work you do today will increase BOTH the quality and quantity of the time you share moving forward.
  • Laugh more often.
  • Give yourself some Grace. This is one of the greatest tools you can provide your children with.
  • Practice gratitude. Ask your husband and your children, “What are three things that made you smile today?” Allow them to ask you the same. There IS good in every day.
  • Celebrate the little things. Each step towards your goals count.
  • Study, meditate and plaster on your wall the definitions of WANT versus NEED. Always use the appropriate language.

A lot of what I gripe about are things I feel I have to do instead of want to do. But when we do things we don’t necessarily want to, we also build our self-esteem. There is pride in hard work, in chores, in bills, in providing for, in taking care of our homes and the people in them: our families. It’s not always easy but it is essential for leading a purposeful and meaningful life. This is my greatest take away and my most favourite mantra moving into 2020.

I wish you your best year yet!