Drop In The Bucket

A favourite quote of mine has always been, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I think it’s fair to say, we also accept the life we think we deserve, too. My husband says I’m harder on myself than anyone else. My head doctor as I like to affectionally call her says the same. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s been ingrained in me and it’s not a good thing. I always found a little pride in it. I don’t know why, maybe as a shield from criticism — you can’t pick me apart, I’ve already done it, I know I suck! No surprises here! But I’m starting to realize, taking on that kind of self-loathing is just exhausting. It’s also baseless. I think much self-loathing in general is the result of eternalizing perceived judgements –which are fabrications to begin with.

I’ve been afforded the opportunity to really ruminate these past couple of days. I’m not doing great but I’m also starting to get in touch with the real voices, the real beliefs in my soul. I did excel at my job but if I’m honest with myself, it was not what I was meant for. I am meant for and I need more. I’ve always had a deep longing for meaning. I appreciate creative pursuits. I long to be a life-long learner. You can do all of those things before and after work, I’m sure. But I am also the Gatekeeper of Time. There’s no getting around that work is where we spend most of our time — the peak hours of the day and night. I don’t want to be giving my quality time to work and my just-alright to my family and myself (the early or late hours where the day has taken enough out of you, the times where you’re not at your best) to a place where I am not appreciated, challenged or fulfilled.

I could go back to any dealership, I could get into any type of Sales, I could make this whole experience a drop in the bucket — but I know that’s what I’m not going to do.

I still have no idea what I am going to do — only that it will be magic.

“If this is failure, I welcome the breath
I can feel time stopping, I can see in the dark
There are no fluorescents beaming and my head doesn’t hurt
I may actually start to look inward and see
There is nothing missing
I am my mark
I will walk into the broadening light
That showcases every possibility that’s found 
When you stop working for someone else
And make a name for yourself
Through passion and appreciation, it will always be secure
I won’t have to accept less and do more
Than those I’ve benefitted before
Because my God, life is short and I’m tired of giving it away
For some chump-change, to some pig-headed person
Breathing life into those that can’t speak a word
In my time of grief when theirs is coming
If memory serves, don’t be surprised if it’s happened before
Though you may be different
People generally treat others more-or-less the same in the end
The man that talks down to his waiter, talks down to his woman, talks down to his friend
And if you don’t care, don’t expect someone else to
It’s time to surround myself with natural light and genuine people
The time for fabrication has come and went
If I’m going to welcome authenticity, I’m happy to never see you again
And maybe in that respect, I’ll see myself for the first time
As who I’m meant to be, not who I thought I should be in the spirit of not being good enough
Because I am.”